More Waiting

Ugh! I can't get into a doctor for 2 weeks!

Evidently I am so use to infertility issues and people having infertility issues that I didn't realize that it isn't standard to get right into an ob. I guess most won't even see you unless your are 8 -10 weeks and I am "lucky" to get in at 6 weeks. I did a lot of checking around and this seems standard. How did I not know this?

How in the world am I going to keep sane for 2 weeks?!


Miss X

In a daze

Thanks for the congrats. I am in total shock. I'm happy, but cautious and in a bit of disbelief. I am going to call the doctor first thing in the morning and see if I can get in for a beta.

In the mean time how about some hpt pics! Click on the pics to be able to see them well. I have to say that they lines look darker in person. They do not photograph well.

Here's yesterdays test. 12 dpo and 2 days pre-expected af.



And here is today's test. 13dpo 1 day before expected period. I think it is darker?




Feel free to freak out with me!


Miss X

Full Circle

This coming Tuesday will be exactly 6 years since I found out that my Ex was infertile. A lot of you that read my blog were around in those days and you remember how devastating that was for me. It started the most painful battle of my life.

I've been feeling...off this week. My breasts have been SO sore. I've been so tired. I haven't has any hpt's in the house because of my anti-testing rule. My period isn't due until the day after tomorrow.

This morning I remembered some old urban pregnancy myth about opk's working as hpt's. I thought what the heck and took one. It came up positive immediately. I didn't think too much of it but it got my hope going. Hubby and I were at the store this afternoon and I bought a couple of pregnancy tests. I couldn't resist. As soon as I got home I took one. So stupid, I hadn't even held my urine.

The test came up positive immediately. Oh my gosh. Did you just read that?! I have a super dark, positive pregnancy test! Oh my gosh!!!!!


Miss X

Merry Christmas

I pray and wish a wonderful holiday to all of you and your families.

Merry Christmas!


Miss X

Here we go again...

I ovulated today. Didn't I just have a failed cycle? How am I already back in the two week wait? I think trying to conceive around the holidays is even harder then trying at other times. Everything seems so heightened. Too many thoughts of "Maybe I'll be pregnant at Thanksgiving and get to announce to the family at Christmas!", or "Maybe I'll get pregnant for Christmas - what a perfect present!", or "Being pregnant for the New Year! What an awesome way to start out 2009". Why do we torture ourselves this way? I really want to be done with this soon. It is trying to grab me, the darkness of ttc, and it is getting tougher to resist it.

In less depressing news, it snowed this morning! I was/am so excited. I love the snow and in my part of the world we don't get much. A little dusting a couple of times a year is all we get. It looks so beautiful and Christmas-y! I would love for there to be snow on Christmas. I don't think I have ever had the whole "White Christmas" thing.

I am all ready for Christmas. The house has been decorated for weeks and all the presents are wrapped and under the tree. The snow is the fluffy, white icing on my yummy Christmas cake!

Have a mentioned how awesome my husband is? I know it's annoying, but I seriously have the best husband ever. He loves and adores me. He sends me love letters and poems he writes for me. He loves cuddling! He doesn't mind "chick-flicks" (heck, he's almost finished reading the Twilight series!). He is so sensitive, sweet and handsome. I struck it rich. Maybe I'm just being greedy wanting a baby too?

Sorry this was so random. One of those random days.


Miss X

Bootstraps and Books

Thanks for the support ladies. I was really sad yesterday. I really had to fight that despair feeling that is wanting to snatch a hold of me. With a loving husband and a lot of prayer I was able to keep it at bay. Giving up control and keeping my faith is my biggest battle in all of this. I'm determined to hang on.

I'm still sad today, and the horrific cramps don't help, but I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. One of my closest friends is going to be induced with her 2nd oops baby on Friday. Also just found out that hubby's cousin and pregnant wife (also Oops baby) will be staying over at our house tomorrow night. Lord grant me serenity...

So on to distracting myself. Is anyone else as enthralled with the Twilight Series as I am? I know they were written for teenage girls and I know I am late to the party, but dang it all, I LOVE them! I had never even heard of them until I saw the movie last weekend for Hubby's birthday (happy birthday baby). I really liked the movie so I rushed out and bought the first book in the series. I finished it in one day. I could not put it down. I'm going out today to get the next book.

I guess I've officially lost it.


Miss X

Sigh

A day earlier then expected, my period is here.


Miss X

Anxious

I am 13dpo and I'm nervous. I am totally feeling the what-if-I-never-get-pregnant fear. I seriously hate trying to conceive. I'm so envious of people who are able to enjoy this process. For the record I am very aware that this is only our 3rd cycle trying together. I know it hasn't been that long. I just am not capable of feeling like a "normal" person ttc after years of infertility treatment. I've done the IUI's, had Clomid rage, Repronex welts, Trigger shot symptoms, and dye shot up my tubes. I am not in the extreme depths of pain that I was then, but I still feel it.

I don't "feel" pregnant. Not that symptoms mean or don't mean anything. My luteal phase is 14 days, so my period is due on Wednesday. I will only be testing on Thursday if my period doesn't show on Wednesday. I'm not willing to test unless I am actually late. I have seen nothing but blank tests staring at me for YEARS. It is just torture.

We have a plan in place. If I am not pg by next cycle we are going to the doctor. Our plan is for me to have the Lap and to probably have dh get a SA. Anyone who has followed me over the years can understand why the SA is a bit terrifying for me. For the new readers my Ex had azoospermia, aka no sperm.

Having a plan is good. Having a husband who is pushing the plan is even better. But damn it all, I don't want to NEED a plan. Please let me not need a plan.


Miss X

Happy Thanksgiving!

We are leaving in the morning to visit the in laws for Thanksgiving. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday.

P.S.
I am currently 8DPO for anyone keeping track. Please, please, please work!


Miss X

Things I've done

This post was stolen from Living in Maryland. I've done the stuff in bold. Kind of fun! :)

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (if you count the chunk of me that is Native American)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (Not a movie, how about a commercial?)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (Does a couple of poems count?)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House (the outside, still trying to get inside)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Totally copied a post from someone else's blog to your own


Which things have you done?


Miss X

Why I love him

We are back to Operation: Knock Me Up and we are hopeful. My hubby knows how much ttc stresses me out though. I can't remember if I have ever mentioned it before and I am too lazy to look it up, but I've always been a bit concerned that I could have endo. It is just about the only test I never had done back in the infertility days. Plus I am "high risk" for it, due to my mom having severe endo and the fact that I started my period at a young age (9).

My awesome hubby asked me when I wanted to get a lap done to check for endo. He said he didn't want us to waste a lot of time and get more stressed out if we could do something about it. I told him I wanted to try for two more cycles first and if I am not pg I will go for a lap. I love him so much. He supports and encourages me to do whatever I need to so we can have a baby. It was for me, plain and simple. I am amazed with how sensitive he tries to be towards my infertility battle wounds. It isn't something he can relate to, yet he is so there with me. I cannot even tell you how different it is to ttc with someone fully involved with you. I am so blessed.

And he's cute too!


Miss X

Pics up!

Tons of trip pics posted on the picture blog!


Miss X

I'm Back!

Well we are back from Italy and I am very tired! We took tons of pictures that I will be sharing soon. If you still need to be added to the photo blog, just send me an e-mail and I will send you an invite.

In other news, my period is due to start in the next couple of days and I cannot wait to start ttc again! I pray it works right away!

So glad to be back. More soon!


Miss X

Congrats and Updates

First of all HUGE congrats to Deanna on the birth of her beautiful son! I met Deanna in a ttc chat room over 4 1/2 years ago. This is such a long time coming for her and I could not be happier. She so deserves this!

I haven't posted in forever! The big change since I last posted is my jobless status. I ended up having an evil co-worker who told insane lies about me. Turns out she was trying to get me fired and it got really bad. I just could not take it anymore. Add that in with the fact that my boss decided to quit because she had a baby and I didn't have a manager that knew me to turn to. Finally DH and I decided that the stress was killing me and I gave my notice. I was able to leave with an awesome letter of recommendation and I think it was definitely the right choice. If I thought things were bad with the co-worker before they were a million times worse once I announced my 2 weeks notice! And did I mention she also happens to live across the street from me?! Yeah.

I am actually looking at a job that would start after we return from our trip, but other then that I am waiting on the real job search until after we return from our vacation. Speaking of which we leave this Sunday! I've been getting really nervous due to my plane phobia. It is really pathetic. I have full on panic attacks on the plane without medication. I now have Xan*x and Amb*en in my arsenal so I am hopeful that I will survive the long ass flight and not make the news as the freak that had to be tied down on the plane.

No new ttc as we are on our final cycle break due to my need for the plane drugs. Our plan is to start trying again next month. I should start my period a few days after we get back and we will go from there. I pray we are successful soon!

So I'm off to Italy! I'll be back November 1st. I plan on posting lots of pics on the pic blog. If you want access just send me your e-mail address and I will add you.

Ciao!


Miss X

New Blog

I've posted a new blog that will show pictures. I'll still write my posts here. If you want access to the photo album blog let me know.


Miss X

Congrats!!!!

I just want to say a big congrats to Karen on her new baby girl Evie! It has been a long, hard road to get to this point but they have been rewarded with such an amazing blessing!


More news from me soon. Major work drama that forced me to quit and my last day is Friday. I will fill you in soon. As for this weekend, we are off to a beach cabin with our doggies! Ahhhhh, some good R&R!


Miss X

Nope

My period started Saturday morning. So now I am on a reluctant 2 cycle break. I really, really don't want to wait, but I know it makes sense. I applied for my new insurance yesterday so hopefully it gets approved right away.

More to talk about, but I am still writing these from work so it will have to wait. There was major computer drama from the shop we took the laptop to be fixed. Long story short we had to send it to Apple directly. I am hoping we will have it back this week.

Hopefully more updates soon.


Miss X

Missing Mac

Good grief! The Mac is STILL not back from Ap*le. I seriously need my computer back. I have been reduced to reading blogs on my I*pod! I'm hoping it will be back this week, but I am not holding my breath.

In other news, we finally finished all of the booking for our Italy trip. Our flight schedule was changed and it put a hiccup in our hotels but we were able to fix them and we even saved $200 in the process! Thank you rising cost of the $ to the euro! We picked our Rome hotel and I think we are pretty much set. We just need to purchase our rail tickets. I can't believe I am really going to Italy! I am really blessed.

No news on the ttc front. I'm 10dpo and just waiting around. I should hopefully know Friday or Saturday. If AF comes I will probably be putting ttc on hiatus for a cycle or two. I don't want to wait but there are a couple of good reasons that I don't have the time to go into detail right now. The really fast version is 1)I'm trying to switch insurances and can't be pg until I switch, and 2) I am terrified of flying (I know, I know) and want to take the good drugs. ;)

That's all for now. Think good Mac thoughts for me.


Miss X

I'm Alive

Just so nobody thinks I threw myself off a cliff over anything, I am posting this quick update from work. Our Mac was dropped by dh (I know!) and we don't get it back until Tuesday or Wednesday. I have been woefully unconnected to things.

Thanks for all of your well wishes. I am doing just fine. My cycles seem to be back to normal again and all systems have been go. I am currently 3 days post ovulation and feeling obscenely hopeful. We shall see.

I hope everyone is having a great Labor Day. I'm currently working like a sucker. (Dang medical places that never close!)


Miss X

If Only...

I stayed home from work, sick, one day this week. I just had too much cramping and bleeding. Evidently the only reason a newly married woman would be staying home sick is if she were pregnant. The rumor mill at work says I'm pregnant. If one more person asks me.....

If only it were true.



Miss X

Chemical Sorrow

My last cycle was very weird. I had tons of pg symptoms; implantation spotting at 7dpo, sore boobs, frequent urination. My cycle lasted 3 days past my normal luteal phase. That has never happened in the 6+ years I have been tracking my cycles. When my period came I thought that the ttc bug had just gotten the best of me and I had imagined all of my "symptoms". My period was pretty light, but I didn't think much of it.

This cycle started and things were frustrating me. Almost no ewcm - I am the ewcm queen. No +opk, nothing. Then yesterday - on presumed day 15 the floods unleashed. Very painful, clotting period. Talk to the doc and my mom (she's a nurse) and everyone has concluded that I have most likely just had a miscarriage. Ouch.

I'm sad and dazed all at the same time. Yesterday was really bad timing since we had a house full of people. One of said people was my friend who is currently 5 months pg with her second accident pg. She bitched about being pregnant all afternoon. She obviously had no idea about what was going on with me. Brutal all the same.

Not sure what else to say. Just can't sleep so I thought I would come on here.

I hope this doesn't happen again.


Miss X

Backyard BBQ

Most of you know that my sweet hubby and I were married by ourselves in a private ceremony, so we have decided to have a small BBQ at our house tomorrow afternoon. It will be small, about 15 people, just immediate family and a couple of close friends. Unfortunately it is supposed to be 110 tomorrow just like it was yesterday and is supposed to be today. UGH! So I think it is going to turn into a living room BBQ!

We have been busting our butts all week trying to get our house in pristine order. It was somewhat torn apart with all of our painting. We finally finished painting our kitchen on Monday! In total we stripped wall paper and painted our living room, dining room, hallway, and kitchen! It was SO much work, but it really did turn out lovely. We have our pictures and art hung back on the walls and it looks like a totally different house. I really like it.

I need to do a final cleaning and prepping of the food tonight. I bought a couple of salsas that look so yummy! Key lime garlic and a mango-peach salsa. Mmmm...makes my mouth water! DH is BBQ'ing chicken and Brats (and veggie burgers for me!), and his awesome grilled asparagus. He grills it with olive oil, spices, french fried onions and blue cheese crumbles. It is AWESOME! I also ordered two cakes for the party. One is white cake with lemon filling and lemon butter cream frosting. The other cake is chocolate with chocolate mouse filling and chocolate whipped cream frosting!

Okay, now that I am seriously hungry I better get going! Have a great weekend everybody!


Miss X

Italy Bound

Well it's official, we bought our tickets to Italy! We fly into Venice October 19th and fly out of Rome on November 1st to return home. We plan on taking trains and spending about 3 days in Venice, 3 days in Florence, 3 days in the Tuscan countryside, and 3ish days in Rome. That leaves us about 1 extra day.

We haven't booked all our hotels yet, but we are heavy in research mode. I am in love with the country inns in Tuscany. They look fresh out of the movies! Beautiful farmhouse in the midst of vineyards, horses, wine tastings, etc... Sigh. Just beautiful! And so much cheaper then the city hotels! The exchange rates are beyond painful right now.

We are even attempting to learn some Italian! We bought the Ro*s*tta St*ne Italian lesson level 1 and we have been working at it together just about every night. It is fun and challenging. Neither of us expect to learn a whole lot before our trip but I think it will ease a little bit of our fears about being in a country where you can't speak the language. I just want to be able to get by at least a little bit. Communicate the really important information.

Lot's of planning left to do and we really need to get on it! I can't believe how soon the trip is coming up! I still have to get my new passport with my married name on it! YIKES! Super exciting though. This is really going to be a great trip for us.

Oh! I added a countdown on the bottom of the blog for fun! Enjoy!



Miss X

No Honeymoon Luck

I'm on to cycle number 2.

I'm bummed out but holding it together. Trying as best I can to focus on the positive - indulge in a diet pep*si - drown in some yummy gorgonzola! - etc. Actually I really do have a victory of sorts to celebrate. I did not use a single hpt! That is HUGE! In all of my years TTC this is the first cycle I have ever had that I didn't use an hpt if there was even the remote possibility of pregnancy. If I am being totally honest I use to test several times a cycle. In fact, when I was doing my medicated cyles, I use to start testing the day after trigger up until the day my period came. My "reasoning" was that I wanted to make sure the hcg from the trigger had left my system, so if a real + hpt came I would know it was real. Yeah, I know. So big "'atta girls" for me this cycle. The truth is I just can't bear to see more - hpts. I don't want to test until I am really pretty sure this time. Part of the "trying to keep my sanity" thing.

I won't lie, I did have romantic ideas about getting pregnant on my first cycle this time. I entertained thoughts of how great it would be to get pg as fast as an obnoxious fertile myrtle as an almost "reward" because of the past infertility. Sigh. Oh well, can you really blame me? Who knows maybe I will still be an obnoxious fertile myrtle - without the obnoxious part of course.

Onward.


Miss X

Busy, Busy

Moving sucks. Deciding that this would be a great time to paint the entire living room/dining room/kitchen/hall at the same time is shockingly stupid. Yet, that is exactly what we have been doing. We are so tired and I still have a TON of packing/moving to do from my old apartment into our house. YIKES!!!!!! Can someone please wake me when it is over. I am SUCH a procrastinator when it comes to something I don't want to do and I absolutely loathe packing/moving. I seriously wish it was just over with. Ugh.

Since we both had complete households of stuff we have been selling stuff off on Cra*igs L*ist and just keeping the furniture we like best. Consequently the house was kind of empty since some of the furniture we are keeping is at my apartment. It seemed like a good time to paint. Unfortunately we had to strip off some old wallpaper and that is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! I do have to say that the place is looking awesome though. I need to post some pictures. We chose this latte color for most of the walls and ceiling and a lovely silvery blue color for accent walls and the kitchen. It looks really great.

We are super busy, but super happy. This summer is just going to fly by with how busy we are! I am really looking forward to fall. It is my favorite time of year anyway and we are planning a trip to Italy for hopefully sometime in October. Exciting times! I'm determined to enjoy every moment.


Miss X

TTC the "Old Fashioned" Way...Really?

Family planning was definitely a part of our pre-martial talks. I told him quite a bit about my years of ttc and fertility treatment with the Ex. He knows it was an extremely painful part of my life. Clearly he can't possibly "get it", but he understands my fears.

Since we both want children, he will be 35 this year and I've wanted kids forever, we decided that we wouldn't wait. We decided that we would not use birth control when we got married. We are trying the laid back, la-di-da, whatever happens, happens approach. Can you believe that? I am trying so very, very hard to think about this as little as possible. I am desperate to not become the person I was before. I just cannot damage my marriage that way. I cannot damage myself in that way.

I am so hoping and praying that I become pregnant easily this time (don't we all?). That I don't even get the chance to stress about whether we will struggle/what we will do, etc. It is so weird. I was never technically the one with the fertility problem, so in theory I am ttc like a "normal" average person. But, I'm not exactly average. I know too much. I know the deep pain of years of ttc with no results. But I am also excited about the fresh chance. A big part of me really feels like it is just going to work. It's an odd thing.

I started my period on Saturday so this is the start of my first cycle with the possibility that something could happen. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. It's crazy to think that I am trying again. I'm keeping it under control. No opk's, no early hpts, no obsessing over "symptoms". But definitely hoping.

And it's nice to hope again.


Miss X

New Life, New Blog

Well I'm at it again. I decided to give this blog thing another try. I'm going to try to stick with it. We shall see how it goes. It seemed a shame to leave my blogging story in the sad days I had before. It is about time that I posted about something happy.

As most of you now know, I was just recently married to the man that has been beyond my dreams and we are happily setting ourselves up as newlyweds. We were set up on a blind date by one of my co-workers, who is also his (now our) neighbor. It's a long, semi-comical story that we both firmly believe was divinely inspired. We are definitely "meant to be".

I have been having so many ah-ha moments recently. It is the whole sense of "Oh THIS is what marriage/being a newlywed is supposed to be like!". We are both obscenely happy. We are that annoying, completely head-over-heels in love couple. I truly feel that I have been blessed in an even larger amount then the pain I received in the past. That's a whole lot of blessed, people!

I need to cut this short - but it feels nice to be blogging a happy life for once. There will be updates soon on moving into our house, FAMILY PLANNING (Yup), doggies and more.

Thanks for keeping up with me all of these years.


Miss X