Anxious

I am 13dpo and I'm nervous. I am totally feeling the what-if-I-never-get-pregnant fear. I seriously hate trying to conceive. I'm so envious of people who are able to enjoy this process. For the record I am very aware that this is only our 3rd cycle trying together. I know it hasn't been that long. I just am not capable of feeling like a "normal" person ttc after years of infertility treatment. I've done the IUI's, had Clomid rage, Repronex welts, Trigger shot symptoms, and dye shot up my tubes. I am not in the extreme depths of pain that I was then, but I still feel it.

I don't "feel" pregnant. Not that symptoms mean or don't mean anything. My luteal phase is 14 days, so my period is due on Wednesday. I will only be testing on Thursday if my period doesn't show on Wednesday. I'm not willing to test unless I am actually late. I have seen nothing but blank tests staring at me for YEARS. It is just torture.

We have a plan in place. If I am not pg by next cycle we are going to the doctor. Our plan is for me to have the Lap and to probably have dh get a SA. Anyone who has followed me over the years can understand why the SA is a bit terrifying for me. For the new readers my Ex had azoospermia, aka no sperm.

Having a plan is good. Having a husband who is pushing the plan is even better. But damn it all, I don't want to NEED a plan. Please let me not need a plan.


Miss X