More Waiting

Ugh! I can't get into a doctor for 2 weeks!

Evidently I am so use to infertility issues and people having infertility issues that I didn't realize that it isn't standard to get right into an ob. I guess most won't even see you unless your are 8 -10 weeks and I am "lucky" to get in at 6 weeks. I did a lot of checking around and this seems standard. How did I not know this?

How in the world am I going to keep sane for 2 weeks?!


Miss X

In a daze

Thanks for the congrats. I am in total shock. I'm happy, but cautious and in a bit of disbelief. I am going to call the doctor first thing in the morning and see if I can get in for a beta.

In the mean time how about some hpt pics! Click on the pics to be able to see them well. I have to say that they lines look darker in person. They do not photograph well.

Here's yesterdays test. 12 dpo and 2 days pre-expected af.



And here is today's test. 13dpo 1 day before expected period. I think it is darker?




Feel free to freak out with me!


Miss X

Full Circle

This coming Tuesday will be exactly 6 years since I found out that my Ex was infertile. A lot of you that read my blog were around in those days and you remember how devastating that was for me. It started the most painful battle of my life.

I've been feeling...off this week. My breasts have been SO sore. I've been so tired. I haven't has any hpt's in the house because of my anti-testing rule. My period isn't due until the day after tomorrow.

This morning I remembered some old urban pregnancy myth about opk's working as hpt's. I thought what the heck and took one. It came up positive immediately. I didn't think too much of it but it got my hope going. Hubby and I were at the store this afternoon and I bought a couple of pregnancy tests. I couldn't resist. As soon as I got home I took one. So stupid, I hadn't even held my urine.

The test came up positive immediately. Oh my gosh. Did you just read that?! I have a super dark, positive pregnancy test! Oh my gosh!!!!!


Miss X

Merry Christmas

I pray and wish a wonderful holiday to all of you and your families.

Merry Christmas!


Miss X

Here we go again...

I ovulated today. Didn't I just have a failed cycle? How am I already back in the two week wait? I think trying to conceive around the holidays is even harder then trying at other times. Everything seems so heightened. Too many thoughts of "Maybe I'll be pregnant at Thanksgiving and get to announce to the family at Christmas!", or "Maybe I'll get pregnant for Christmas - what a perfect present!", or "Being pregnant for the New Year! What an awesome way to start out 2009". Why do we torture ourselves this way? I really want to be done with this soon. It is trying to grab me, the darkness of ttc, and it is getting tougher to resist it.

In less depressing news, it snowed this morning! I was/am so excited. I love the snow and in my part of the world we don't get much. A little dusting a couple of times a year is all we get. It looks so beautiful and Christmas-y! I would love for there to be snow on Christmas. I don't think I have ever had the whole "White Christmas" thing.

I am all ready for Christmas. The house has been decorated for weeks and all the presents are wrapped and under the tree. The snow is the fluffy, white icing on my yummy Christmas cake!

Have a mentioned how awesome my husband is? I know it's annoying, but I seriously have the best husband ever. He loves and adores me. He sends me love letters and poems he writes for me. He loves cuddling! He doesn't mind "chick-flicks" (heck, he's almost finished reading the Twilight series!). He is so sensitive, sweet and handsome. I struck it rich. Maybe I'm just being greedy wanting a baby too?

Sorry this was so random. One of those random days.


Miss X

Bootstraps and Books

Thanks for the support ladies. I was really sad yesterday. I really had to fight that despair feeling that is wanting to snatch a hold of me. With a loving husband and a lot of prayer I was able to keep it at bay. Giving up control and keeping my faith is my biggest battle in all of this. I'm determined to hang on.

I'm still sad today, and the horrific cramps don't help, but I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. One of my closest friends is going to be induced with her 2nd oops baby on Friday. Also just found out that hubby's cousin and pregnant wife (also Oops baby) will be staying over at our house tomorrow night. Lord grant me serenity...

So on to distracting myself. Is anyone else as enthralled with the Twilight Series as I am? I know they were written for teenage girls and I know I am late to the party, but dang it all, I LOVE them! I had never even heard of them until I saw the movie last weekend for Hubby's birthday (happy birthday baby). I really liked the movie so I rushed out and bought the first book in the series. I finished it in one day. I could not put it down. I'm going out today to get the next book.

I guess I've officially lost it.


Miss X

Sigh

A day earlier then expected, my period is here.


Miss X

Anxious

I am 13dpo and I'm nervous. I am totally feeling the what-if-I-never-get-pregnant fear. I seriously hate trying to conceive. I'm so envious of people who are able to enjoy this process. For the record I am very aware that this is only our 3rd cycle trying together. I know it hasn't been that long. I just am not capable of feeling like a "normal" person ttc after years of infertility treatment. I've done the IUI's, had Clomid rage, Repronex welts, Trigger shot symptoms, and dye shot up my tubes. I am not in the extreme depths of pain that I was then, but I still feel it.

I don't "feel" pregnant. Not that symptoms mean or don't mean anything. My luteal phase is 14 days, so my period is due on Wednesday. I will only be testing on Thursday if my period doesn't show on Wednesday. I'm not willing to test unless I am actually late. I have seen nothing but blank tests staring at me for YEARS. It is just torture.

We have a plan in place. If I am not pg by next cycle we are going to the doctor. Our plan is for me to have the Lap and to probably have dh get a SA. Anyone who has followed me over the years can understand why the SA is a bit terrifying for me. For the new readers my Ex had azoospermia, aka no sperm.

Having a plan is good. Having a husband who is pushing the plan is even better. But damn it all, I don't want to NEED a plan. Please let me not need a plan.


Miss X